Title: Sueños Reflejan – Medium: Pencil on Paper – Year: 2009 Artist: Eduardo Montalvo
Sueños Reflejan is a drawing I created back in early 2009, a time where I was having a difficult moment accepting myself for being a gay male. A majority of my life I feared that I would not only be looked down upon for being a gay male but also be neglected by friends & family. I remember waking up & looking at myself in the mirror feeling guilty & disgusted because media portrayed gay men as weaker beings, I refused to be looked at as someone weak. I kept telling myself “this is a phase, you’re young and don’t know what you want”. Many scenarios went through my head, the thought of me being looked at as a gay male made me feel weak & ashamed to even attempt to express who I truly was. I was a gay male trapped in a body of lies portrayed by what the media wanted me to be. I remember having a lot of dreams, good and bad dealing with my sexuality. One dream I had stood out to me the most, causing me to draw this piece I titled Sueños Reflejan. Below is the description of what I dreamt about, after I’ll explain how I interpreted my dream
While I’m spinning in circles I look up towards the sky and see a lot of green trees. I began to slow down & focus on my surroundings, I then realize I’m in a jungle. I took a deep breath & began to walk slowly in a stealth like way. The thought of being watched & followed kept going on in the back of my mind, I then stopped & saw something ahead. I see these Aztec like men begin to come towards me with a sense of rage & creepiness, I immediately get scared. As they start running towards me I notice one of the Aztec men looking identical to me but seemed evil. I immediately began to run away from them as fast as I could, while I’m running away I began to think about why I was running away & why I couldn’t escape from these evil beings. Every direction that I looked my evil twin kept appearing, I looked left he was there, I looked right he was there. The aztec feathers he wore on his head began transforming into a clowns jester hat with bells on them. I also noticed each bell would fade words in & out while they glowed for half a second, one message I caught said “Me” the other said “Run”. As I kept running I noticed the Aztecs slowly disappear allowing me to also slow down & catch my breath. Right as I had stopped, I look towards the opposite direction & saw my evil twin standing right in front of me for two seconds. During those two seconds he smiled at me weird and then disappeared leaving dust behind. I finally woke up from my dream feeling frightened & weirded out by what just happened. After absorbing what I just experienced I immediately started writing about my dream.
The first thing you see in this drawing is the last thing I saw in my dream, my evil twin looking directly at me. I feel it was important to capture that image because those 2 seconds were probably the most terrifying for me but also woke me up to reality. He represents fear, courage & heroism because my dream depicted those feelings throughout my experience. I was in a way fighting with myself, fighting with reality of who I truly am. He represents the dark times I had along with the the courageous times I had as well. When I drew this piece I was still afraid to come out to friends and family and felt I needed to come out through my drawings. I wanted to come out but not in an obvious way, I then decided to express everything on paper. I interpreted me running away as me running away from my sexuality, thats why I feel I saw the word “Run”. The word run was incorporated on the jester hat near the bottom right side of my face. The bells represent “Me” (The first word I saw in my dream) being stuck in a bubble, in a sense I trapped myself from coming out to everyone. The bells that are broken represent me finally coming out of my shell and telling the world that I’m gay. Along with breaking that bell came pain & fear of not knowing what was going to happen next. Throughout the drawing you see random sentences appear, these sentences aren’t complete because in a sense its my secret, my confessions of me coming out. Part of me coming out I feel was a secret and didn’t want anyone to know yet, fear played a big role of that process. Theres also part of the jester hat that was not complete & only left outlined representing me not feeling complete/empty. The overall process of me coming out was difficult to overcome and knew that at the end of the day I would eventually have to look at myself and realize I need to free myself. I was my own hero and held the key to freeing myself, the only thing holding me back was myself. This dream was a big reflection of who I am & titled it Sueños Reflejan.